Not Okay
by simply-aly
Summary: Chapter 4 - They talk about Lexi. *Written in the middle of Season 2* *A Collection of Unrelated Stefan/Caroline One-Shots*
1. Not Okay

After Stefan leaves, Caroline goes upstairs and starts taking out the wooden darts in her skin. When she gets them all out and throws them in the trash, she grabs a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants and makes her way to the bathroom.

She turns the water on, setting it to hot, and sheds the bloodstained clothes before stepping in the shower.

She watches the little rivulets of blood flow from her body, down the tub, and into the drain. She washes her hair and scrubs her body until her skin hurts. The need to feel clean, pure, and untouched by all that happened tonight takes over and she can't stop scrubbing until the soap runs out in the bathroom. She then takes a deep breath, turns her head up toward the water and stands still, letting the hot water fall on her face.

When Caroline gets out of the bathroom, she walks into her room and jumps. "I told you I was _fine_, Stefan," she says softly, but she's looking at the floor, not his face, and he knows what that means.

"No," he says, "you're not."

Something in the way he says those three words breaks through the façade she's been holding to, and the emotional flashbacks she's been holding back finally happen. Her lower lip starts to tremble and she suddenly doesn't think she can hold herself up any longer. "No," she whimpers, "I'm not."

Suddenly, Stefan's right there, and she throws her arms around him and holds tightly as she starts to sob. "I was alone and scared, and he kept hurting me—I was locked in a cage—could barely move and couldn't fight back—he wouldn't stop—it hurt so bad." She rambles for a while, not even noticing when Stefan moves the both of them to sit on her bed.

Stefan holds her tightly and whispers that it'll be alright, that it'll never happen again, and that they'll stop the werewolves from hurting anyone ever again. He tells her what she needs to hear, even if she can't really hear it through her sobbing.

Eventually, she calms down and her grasp on him lightens. He helps her to lie down and covers her with her blankets. He kneels on the floor beside her. "Just get some sleep, Caroline," he whispers, "I think that'll help."

"I'm scared," she admits carefully, "scared of what I'll dream when I close my eyes."

Stefan moves the blonde hair from her face and pushes it behind her ear. "It's okay; I'll be here until you wake up."

Caroline smiles slightly. "Mom won't like that," she tells him. "I'm not supposed to have boys in my room."

Stefan smiles back. "I'll make sure she doesn't even know I'm here."

"Okay," Caroline yawns, "but remember, Mom has a gun."


	2. The Hard Questions

"Do you hate what you are?" Caroline asks, her voice hoarse after arguing with Matt, trying to make him understand.

Stefan _hates_ when she asks questions like this. Not because he hates that she's asking, but because he doesn't want to have to think about the answer. "I hate what I know I can become," he answers carefully. "I hate what I once was."

"And now?" she presses, her voice clearing up, although now she has this whiny tone about her, and he knows she's about to cry.

He moves over to where she is on his couch and puts an arm around her shoulder.

"Now I'm just very careful. I have Elena and she is my whole world. I'm grateful I've lived long enough to be with her."

Caroline does cry at that, and Stefan curses himself for saying the exact wrong thing.

Caroline throws herself at him and cries on his shoulder as she incoherently tries to tell him about her problems with Matt and her unwanted feelings for Tyler and how she doesn't know what she wants, but that it hurts and she's scared she's going to do something stupid because she doesn't have someone like he has Elena to keep her from going off the deep end—her words, not his.

He holds her close and strokes the back of her head, his fingers running carefully through her uncharacteristically tangled hair.

"Will it ever get easier?" she mumbles against his chest half an hour later when her sobs have turned to sniffles.

He nods. "Eventually," he tells her sagely, only half believing his own words. He still thinks he got lucky with Elena, but he can't tell Caroline that.

"Will Matt ever accept me…like this?"

He groans internally—he _does_ know what it's like to be frightened of the idea of vampires, after all. "I don't know," he answers, "but if he doesn't, someone else will."

She pulls away from him and looks at him with her tear stained face and brightening eyes. "Are you sure?"

He nods, and watches as she smiles.

He's glad he finally said something right.


	3. Technique

When Caroline first meets Stefan, she's determined to have him. He's that mysterious new guy she's seen on television since she was old enough to really pay attention to teen dramas and soap operas and reality television shows. He's the talk of the town, and Caroline wants them to talk about her with him.

But Stefan wants Elena, and he as much as tells her so. "You and me—it's not gonna happen."

She smiles and he walks off to Elena, and Caroline watches from a distance.

Later, once his relationship with Elena is firmly established, he'll ask if they can be friends and she smiles and nods. "Yes, of course" she says. "That's all I ever wanted, anyway."

She agrees because it's the closest she'll ever come with him and she knows it…but it was never just friends that she wanted to be with him and she knows it.

-x-

She falls for Damon. If she can't have the Salvatore she _really_ wants, she'll settle for the one she can get. But being with Damon isn't always picture perfect like they portray for the town. He gets angry and he's mean, and there are things she knows about him that she cannot speak of.

Stefan catches her alone one night after Damon's yelled at her about that ugly crystal again.

"Are you alright? Is something wrong?" he asks, the concern evident in his voice. His hand is on her back, pressing gently in a soothing pattern.

Caroline takes a deep breath and smiles and nods. "I'm fine," she insists. "Everything's alright."

But she's not fine, and everything's not alright, and all she really wants to do is cry, but she can't—not around him.

-x-

Life goes on and Damon leaves her and then there's Matt. She loves Matt, but she's always jealous of how easy Elena's relationship with Stefan seems. Yes, they fight; but they're always back together within the week. Matt, on the other hand, is still hung up on Elena, and that's something Caroline doesn't think she can fix.

They're double dating with Stefan and Elena, and Elena's in the bathroom and Matt's ordering drinks at the bar.

Stefan asks if she's happy—if Matt is what she wants.

And Caroline looks at him and wants to tell him that no, Matt isn't what she wants—that it was always him—but she can't because Elena's coming back and she's happy with Stefan. So Caroline smiles and nods. "Of course," she says. "I love Matt."

And a part of her _does_ love Matt, but a part of her also loves _Damon_ despite what he did to her, and a bigger part really loves Stefan also, and what is she supposed to do about that?

-x-

Katherine comes to town and turns Caroline into a vampire and she kills someone.

It's Stefan who cleans the blood off her face while she cries. And Caroline relishes in the closeness as he holds her close and tells her things will be alright. And, for the first time, Caroline recognizes the reassuring smile and nod on his face when he talks to her.

She just continues to cry until she believes his lie because there is no other option.

-x-

One night, she's tortured and it's Stefan, again, who rescues her—or, at least, that's the version of events that sticks in her mind…the rest of the players don't matter in her head, just him.

He takes her home and he asks her if she's going to be alright.

She smiles and nods. "I'm fine, Stefan," she says. "I'm not girly little Caroline anymore."

But he must have caught on to her technique, for he brings Bonnie and Elena over. She wonders, then, if he can remember what all she's lied about before.


	4. To Honor A Friend

"Tell me about Lexi," Caroline murmurs.

It's a Wednesday evening and they're outside Caroline's house. She had called him over because she needed someone to talk to after another failed attempt at getting Matt to listen to her explanation.

Stefan had internally groaned when her high pitched voice had erupted from his phone, but he had kissed Elena goodbye and left because like it or not, Caroline does mean something to him. And Elena's grateful smile didn't hurt either. So he drove over to Caroline's and as soon as he got out of his car, she had launched herself into his arms and burst into tears. Getting her to calm down took the better part of an hour, but he could tell she needed someone and it made him feel honored that he was the one she called when she got like this—even if it was sometimes inconvenient for him.

Caroline head is lying on his shoulder and he has an arm wrapped around her body and they're just sitting.

Stefan takes a deep breath. "She…had blond hair like you and she had the same tendency to say exactly what was on her mind whether you wanted to hear it or not. Lexi was the first vampire I met after I turned and she was the one who got me under control after my murderous period. She helped me see the good in people—in myself—again and….

"I suppose that's part of why I help you. You remind me of her, and I need to…honor her memory by helping you figure things out."

"Would she have liked me?" Caroline asks. Her voice is all insecure and vulnerable and Stefan's once again reminded of just how young she is.

He smiles sadly. "Yeah, I think she would have."


End file.
